Figure my self out with these words,,
Fiction, Hugh, Write, Men, Friendship, Music, Running, Side by Side, Eyes, Listen, Series, Lips, Rain, Guy, Hope, Stubborn, Helpful, Galaxies, Faithful, Stars, Poetry, Kiss, Shoes, Nature, Film, Love, Pen, Risk, Train, Honest, Destiny, Foolish, Photograph, Delicate, Dream, Heals, Rebel, Tears, Living, Slow, Blue, Passion, Wave, Chances, Sky, Books, Angles, Red, Pray, Rainbows, Children, Blend, Traveling, Hurt, People, Words, Soulful, Anger, Metal, Trees, Universe, Cold, Fantasy, Riot, Affection, Sea, Sweet, Stupid.
Read and write something that can't apart from my self. Two that kind was running in my blood ever since. Every morning I start my activity with read. Imagine That! I must open my eyes when the alarm rung then I read something that came out from my iPod, typed: "Bangun Woi!!!"
Before start editing as my job, I sat on desk and lead off reading something such news. Then everyday I try to write everything that I need to write. But I've forgotten about one think. As long as this time, I haven't thought about how to write words that can describe my self. Many words that I can actually tell that related with my self , but I just write some there.
Rabu, 21 Desember 2011
Minggu, 18 Desember 2011
"Aku Tidak Menyuruhmu Percaya Padaku."
Aku mengerutkan dahiku setelah melihat seseorang yang sejak tadi gelisah berjalan mondar mandir di hadapanku.
"Apa yang kau lakukan?" tanyaku padanya,
"Menurutmu memangnya aku sedang apa?" ujarnya hanya sekilas mengalihkan wajahnya ke arahku lalu kembali mondar-mandir dengan kedua tangan di belakang. Gayanya melebihi guru SD yang kehabisan gaya.
"Kau sedang membuatku pusing!" jawabku.
Dia menghentikan langkahnya tidak jauh dariku, menatap mataku dengan sedikit memiringkan kepalanya.
"Apa aku mengenalmu?"
"Aku nggak yakin."
"Tapi aku seperti mengenalmu." ujarnya.
Aku menaikkan bahu. "Nah, kupikir itu lebih baik. Sekarang duduklah, ceritakan padaku apa yang sedang kau risaukan?"
Dia menggeleng "Aku tidak semudah itu bicara pada seseorang."
"Bagaimana bisa?"
"Apa maksudmu? Aku memang tidak terbiasa."
"Oh, baiklah. Terserah kau saja!" aku pun menyilangkan kaki kananku santai.
Aku melihatnya kembali mondar-mandir dengan wajah yang terlipat di segala sudut. Aku kenal wajah seperti itu. Seperti itu cepat sekali menjalar lalu tanpa kau sadari kau akan melakukan hal yang sama dengannya. Aku pun membuka majalahku lalu mencoba membenamkan arah cahaya mataku ke huruf-huruf yang berbaris rapi sekali. Rasanya belum ada dua menit aku menyelesaikan paragraf kelima dari bacaanku sampai aku merasa seseorang duduk di sebelahku. Dia mencoba menghentikan bacaanku dengan menatap wajahku.
"Baiklah, rasanya aku memang butuh bicara, tapi aku malu."
"Aku tidak akan mengumumkannya di bagian informasi." jawabku diikuti senyumnya dan tawanya yang mengembang. Hanya sebentar sekali.
Dia masih terlihat menjaga elegansinya lalu menaikkan bahunya.
"Maafkan aku tapi aku sulit mempercayai seseorang sekarang."
"Aku tidak menyuruhmu percaya padaku." Aku mulai menutup majalah memperlihatkan padanya aku serius siap mendengarkannya. "Tapi aku akan mendengarkan."
Dia menghela napasnya sebelum akhirnya bercerita. "Kupikir bukan di sini tempatku."
"Benarkah?"
Dia mengangguk.
"Aku tidak memiliki teman. Aku kesepian di sini." katanya berbisik.
Aku masih terdiam karena bukan sekali ini aku mendengar hal seperti itu.
"Jadi itulah alasannya kenapa kau ingin pergi?" tanyaku.
Dia mengangguk lagi hanya saja kali ini dia mengangguk sambil menggigit bibirnya.
"Bagaimana jika di tempat yang baru kau tidak menemukan apa yang kau cari?"
"Itulah aku yang takutkan."
"Tapi kau tidak akan pernah tahu sampai kau mencobanya."
Dia terdiam tidak menjawab. Wajahnya kini penuh dengan keraguan terhadap apa yang ingin dia lakukan. Jelas-jelas penerbangannya tinggal beberapa jam lagi.
"Jika ada sesuatu yang menahanmu, apa kau tetap akan pergi?" tanyaku.
"Aku bahkan tidak memiliki sesuatu yang bisa menahanku."
"Bagaimana dengan keluargamu?"
"Mereka akan baik-baik saja tanpaku."
"Jelas mereka tidak baik-baik saja." protesku karena bagiku dia mencari sesuatu yang tidak jelas sedangkan keluarga adalah hal yang pasti di hadapannya.
"Bisakah kau jelaskan padaku mengapa aku selalu merasakan hal yang tidak nyaman jika bersangkutan dengan hal yang berhubungan dengan perasaanku terhadap seseorang?" tanyanya
"Tidak mengerti maksudmu. Cobalah rubah bahasanya menjadi Bahasa Indonesia."
Dia tertawa lagi. Dan ya, dia selalu terlihat manis setiap kali melakukan hal itu. Aku berharap bisa melihatnya tertawa lebih lama.
"Memangnya aku pake bahasa Urdu?!"
"Kedengarannya bahasa Ibrani." kataku tersenyum.
Dia pun tersenyum ke arahku sebelum akhirnya senyum itu memudar kembali bersama kalimat yang kemudian dia ucapkan. Terlalu banyak yang dia khawatirkan.
"Begini, aku tidak nyaman jika ada seseorang berusaha mengenalkanku dengan seseorang."
"Bukankah hal itu bagus? mengingat kau mengatakan kau butuh teman."
"Karena aku selalu tidak berhasil."
"Jadi apa masalahmu?"
"Aku juga tidak tahu. Haruskan aku menemukan jawaban itu?"
"Ya" jawabku.
"Bagaimana?"
"Ikutilah dia!" tunjukku pada sebuah jam besar yang ada tidak jauh dari hadapan kami.
"Maksudmu waktu?"
Aku mengangguk "Cerdas!"
"Aku mengikutinya setiap waktu tapi tak ada jawaban selain keruwetan masalahku sendiri. Sedang aku semakin tidak punya siapa-siapa."
"Karena kau mengikutinya dengan cara yang tidak benar."
"Bagaimana bisa kau mengatakan itu?" aku melihat dahinya berkerut tidak setuju.
"Ikutilah dia dengan perayaan. Tak usah kau pikirkan bagaimana perasaanmu saat itu. Ikuti saja dengan bersenang-senang."
"Kau yakin aku tidak akan menyesal?"
Aku menggeleng "Tentu saja jika kau ingin bahagia selalu menjadi temanmu, kau tidak mungkin menyesal. Bahkan untuk malam ini."
Dia terdiam tidak menjawab
"Kau berhak bahagia." ujarku sungguh-sungguh.
"Aku tahu. Itulah alasanku untuk pergi."
"Tapi menurutku hal itu tidak banyak membantu."
"Kenapa kau berkata seperti itu?" tanyanya. Aku bisa melihat kesedihan di matanya.
Aku menghela napasku. "Pergilah untuk mencari tahu kenapa dan ada apa dengan dirimu. Kau tidak akan pernah tahu sampai kau bertemu dengan orang-orang yang berbeda dengamu. Tapi ingatlah kata-kataku, kebahagiaanmu sebenarnya ada di sini." Aku menaruh tanganku di dadaku. "Karena dimanapun kau mencari, kemanapun kau berjalan dan berlari kau tidak akan merasakan bahagia jika kau belum bahagia dengan dirimu sendiri?"
Matanya menerawang seperti merenungi kata-kataku barusan.
"Apa menurutmu tidak ada seorang pun yang mengkhawatirkanmu?"
Dia menggeleng. "Tidak ada."
"Kau yakin? Karena menurutku, pada dasarnya kita di dunia ini tidak pernah benar-benar sendiri."
"Ingin rasanya aku mempercayai itu."
"Memangnya apa yang terjadi padamu sampai kau tidak mempercayai hal itu?"
"Kau tidak tahu apapun."
"Baiklah
"Apa yang kau lakukan?" tanyaku padanya,
"Menurutmu memangnya aku sedang apa?" ujarnya hanya sekilas mengalihkan wajahnya ke arahku lalu kembali mondar-mandir dengan kedua tangan di belakang. Gayanya melebihi guru SD yang kehabisan gaya.
"Kau sedang membuatku pusing!" jawabku.
Dia menghentikan langkahnya tidak jauh dariku, menatap mataku dengan sedikit memiringkan kepalanya.
"Apa aku mengenalmu?"
"Aku nggak yakin."
"Tapi aku seperti mengenalmu." ujarnya.
Aku menaikkan bahu. "Nah, kupikir itu lebih baik. Sekarang duduklah, ceritakan padaku apa yang sedang kau risaukan?"
Dia menggeleng "Aku tidak semudah itu bicara pada seseorang."
"Bagaimana bisa?"
"Apa maksudmu? Aku memang tidak terbiasa."
"Oh, baiklah. Terserah kau saja!" aku pun menyilangkan kaki kananku santai.
Aku melihatnya kembali mondar-mandir dengan wajah yang terlipat di segala sudut. Aku kenal wajah seperti itu. Seperti itu cepat sekali menjalar lalu tanpa kau sadari kau akan melakukan hal yang sama dengannya. Aku pun membuka majalahku lalu mencoba membenamkan arah cahaya mataku ke huruf-huruf yang berbaris rapi sekali. Rasanya belum ada dua menit aku menyelesaikan paragraf kelima dari bacaanku sampai aku merasa seseorang duduk di sebelahku. Dia mencoba menghentikan bacaanku dengan menatap wajahku.
"Baiklah, rasanya aku memang butuh bicara, tapi aku malu."
"Aku tidak akan mengumumkannya di bagian informasi." jawabku diikuti senyumnya dan tawanya yang mengembang. Hanya sebentar sekali.
Dia masih terlihat menjaga elegansinya lalu menaikkan bahunya.
"Maafkan aku tapi aku sulit mempercayai seseorang sekarang."
"Aku tidak menyuruhmu percaya padaku." Aku mulai menutup majalah memperlihatkan padanya aku serius siap mendengarkannya. "Tapi aku akan mendengarkan."
Dia menghela napasnya sebelum akhirnya bercerita. "Kupikir bukan di sini tempatku."
"Benarkah?"
Dia mengangguk.
"Aku tidak memiliki teman. Aku kesepian di sini." katanya berbisik.
Aku masih terdiam karena bukan sekali ini aku mendengar hal seperti itu.
"Jadi itulah alasannya kenapa kau ingin pergi?" tanyaku.
Dia mengangguk lagi hanya saja kali ini dia mengangguk sambil menggigit bibirnya.
"Bagaimana jika di tempat yang baru kau tidak menemukan apa yang kau cari?"
"Itulah aku yang takutkan."
"Tapi kau tidak akan pernah tahu sampai kau mencobanya."
Dia terdiam tidak menjawab. Wajahnya kini penuh dengan keraguan terhadap apa yang ingin dia lakukan. Jelas-jelas penerbangannya tinggal beberapa jam lagi.
"Jika ada sesuatu yang menahanmu, apa kau tetap akan pergi?" tanyaku.
"Aku bahkan tidak memiliki sesuatu yang bisa menahanku."
"Bagaimana dengan keluargamu?"
"Mereka akan baik-baik saja tanpaku."
"Jelas mereka tidak baik-baik saja." protesku karena bagiku dia mencari sesuatu yang tidak jelas sedangkan keluarga adalah hal yang pasti di hadapannya.
"Bisakah kau jelaskan padaku mengapa aku selalu merasakan hal yang tidak nyaman jika bersangkutan dengan hal yang berhubungan dengan perasaanku terhadap seseorang?" tanyanya
"Tidak mengerti maksudmu. Cobalah rubah bahasanya menjadi Bahasa Indonesia."
Dia tertawa lagi. Dan ya, dia selalu terlihat manis setiap kali melakukan hal itu. Aku berharap bisa melihatnya tertawa lebih lama.
"Memangnya aku pake bahasa Urdu?!"
"Kedengarannya bahasa Ibrani." kataku tersenyum.
Dia pun tersenyum ke arahku sebelum akhirnya senyum itu memudar kembali bersama kalimat yang kemudian dia ucapkan. Terlalu banyak yang dia khawatirkan.
"Begini, aku tidak nyaman jika ada seseorang berusaha mengenalkanku dengan seseorang."
"Bukankah hal itu bagus? mengingat kau mengatakan kau butuh teman."
"Karena aku selalu tidak berhasil."
"Jadi apa masalahmu?"
"Aku juga tidak tahu. Haruskan aku menemukan jawaban itu?"
"Ya" jawabku.
"Bagaimana?"
"Ikutilah dia!" tunjukku pada sebuah jam besar yang ada tidak jauh dari hadapan kami.
"Maksudmu waktu?"
Aku mengangguk "Cerdas!"
"Aku mengikutinya setiap waktu tapi tak ada jawaban selain keruwetan masalahku sendiri. Sedang aku semakin tidak punya siapa-siapa."
"Karena kau mengikutinya dengan cara yang tidak benar."
"Bagaimana bisa kau mengatakan itu?" aku melihat dahinya berkerut tidak setuju.
"Ikutilah dia dengan perayaan. Tak usah kau pikirkan bagaimana perasaanmu saat itu. Ikuti saja dengan bersenang-senang."
"Kau yakin aku tidak akan menyesal?"
Aku menggeleng "Tentu saja jika kau ingin bahagia selalu menjadi temanmu, kau tidak mungkin menyesal. Bahkan untuk malam ini."
Dia terdiam tidak menjawab
"Kau berhak bahagia." ujarku sungguh-sungguh.
"Aku tahu. Itulah alasanku untuk pergi."
"Tapi menurutku hal itu tidak banyak membantu."
"Kenapa kau berkata seperti itu?" tanyanya. Aku bisa melihat kesedihan di matanya.
Aku menghela napasku. "Pergilah untuk mencari tahu kenapa dan ada apa dengan dirimu. Kau tidak akan pernah tahu sampai kau bertemu dengan orang-orang yang berbeda dengamu. Tapi ingatlah kata-kataku, kebahagiaanmu sebenarnya ada di sini." Aku menaruh tanganku di dadaku. "Karena dimanapun kau mencari, kemanapun kau berjalan dan berlari kau tidak akan merasakan bahagia jika kau belum bahagia dengan dirimu sendiri?"
Matanya menerawang seperti merenungi kata-kataku barusan.
"Apa menurutmu tidak ada seorang pun yang mengkhawatirkanmu?"
Dia menggeleng. "Tidak ada."
"Kau yakin? Karena menurutku, pada dasarnya kita di dunia ini tidak pernah benar-benar sendiri."
"Ingin rasanya aku mempercayai itu."
"Memangnya apa yang terjadi padamu sampai kau tidak mempercayai hal itu?"
"Kau tidak tahu apapun."
"Baiklah
Kamis, 15 Desember 2011
Love This Song
First time I found Grayson Chance's song "Waiting Outside the Line" when I saw Joe Jonas Premiers Clip "Just in Love" in Youtube. When I heard the song for the first time, Oh God I just falling in love at time. He was so young, so talented, and also so enjoyed what he was done. With his unique Piano that he was put the words that can express diverse of feelings.
I try to figure it out then and I got these words (Art, Sad, Laughing, Love, Music, Helpful, Feelings, Women, Universe, Kids, Lips, Buildings, Rich, Photographs, Hope, Betrayal, Hurt, Anger, Heals, Soulful, Rainbow, Lauren, Cold, Dream, Stupid, Black, Kiss, Yesterday, Poor, Metal, Living, Tears, Running, Slow, Honest, Tonight, Tomorrow.)
What a beautiful Piano! Those words meant so much feelings. You can describe your self by one or more of those words too. I start to determine of mine. What words I can describe about my self? What words people can describe about you?
Anyway, I love this song because the lyric too. Suddenly it was became "So Me!"
Just like he has dedicated this song.....Hmmm, only for someone like me,,
Waiting Outside The Lines
You’ll never enjoy your life, living inside the box
You’re so afraid of taking chances, how you gonna reach the top?
Rules and regulations, force you to play it safe
Get rid of all the hesitation, it’s time for you to seize the day
Instead of just sitting around and looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground, the time is now
*
I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting,
I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Try to have no regrets, even if it’s just tonight
How you gonna walk ahead, if you keep living blind
Stuck in my same position, you deserve so much more
There’s a whole world around us, just waiting to be explored
Instead of just sitting around, and looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground, the time is now, just let it go
I dont wanna have to force you to smile, I’m here to help you notice the rainbow
Cause I know, What’s in you is out there
Back To *
I’m trying to be patient (I’m trying to be patient)
the first step is the hardest (the hardest)
I know you can make it,
go ahead and take it
Back To *
You’ll never enjoy your life,
Living inside the box
You’re so afraid of taking chances,
How you gonna reach the top?
I try to figure it out then and I got these words (Art, Sad, Laughing, Love, Music, Helpful, Feelings, Women, Universe, Kids, Lips, Buildings, Rich, Photographs, Hope, Betrayal, Hurt, Anger, Heals, Soulful, Rainbow, Lauren, Cold, Dream, Stupid, Black, Kiss, Yesterday, Poor, Metal, Living, Tears, Running, Slow, Honest, Tonight, Tomorrow.)
What a beautiful Piano! Those words meant so much feelings. You can describe your self by one or more of those words too. I start to determine of mine. What words I can describe about my self? What words people can describe about you?
Anyway, I love this song because the lyric too. Suddenly it was became "So Me!"
Just like he has dedicated this song.....Hmmm, only for someone like me,,
Waiting Outside The Lines
You’ll never enjoy your life, living inside the box
You’re so afraid of taking chances, how you gonna reach the top?
Rules and regulations, force you to play it safe
Get rid of all the hesitation, it’s time for you to seize the day
Instead of just sitting around and looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground, the time is now
*
I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting,
I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Waiting outside the lines
Try to have no regrets, even if it’s just tonight
How you gonna walk ahead, if you keep living blind
Stuck in my same position, you deserve so much more
There’s a whole world around us, just waiting to be explored
Instead of just sitting around, and looking down on tomorrow
You gotta let your feet off the ground, the time is now, just let it go
I dont wanna have to force you to smile, I’m here to help you notice the rainbow
Cause I know, What’s in you is out there
Back To *
I’m trying to be patient (I’m trying to be patient)
the first step is the hardest (the hardest)
I know you can make it,
go ahead and take it
Back To *
You’ll never enjoy your life,
Living inside the box
You’re so afraid of taking chances,
How you gonna reach the top?
Kamis, 24 November 2011
Be Open!
Last night I was planed going to attending my Grammar class in Salemba UI. Train KRL Commuter Line has always be my favorite transportation for getting me to the office or somewhere that far enough to reach it with other mass transportation like Bus or somethin'. Hell yes, as we know that traffic jam in Jakarta made us mad and worst day by day. I prefer train because it’s cheap and fast enough to reach our destination. I took Commuter line with destination Manggarai station and then I used to transit and change train with destination Cikini station.
Only ten minutes for the train takes time get into Manggarai station from Tanah Abang station. But last night our hope wasn’t came true. The signal that we never exactly understand what was it, struck by thunderbolt. We’ve waiting and been waiting until thirty minutes gone by uncertainly. No information about what exactly happen because the train was stopped in the middle of nowhere. The outside was raining and dark. Time was pointed at 7 pm that was meant that we’ve been waiting throughout an hour. Froze in the train with hunger and be sick over again and again with KAI.
The woman beside me was grumbled for all the time, I know that she was felt restless as all of us. I started to ask her what destination she’s want to heading. She said that she was headed to Bojong. Oh God that was very far and really unpleasant waiting because she worried about his baby at home. We spent our bored time to chatting; asked and told each other about our works and many things mostly about our experiences using the train.
It was not romantic at all because we’ve been neglected all that time until one of automatic doors was open up. Some of passengers choose to jump and walk to follow the railways. What a bad idea! And never be good at all! I thought that was bad idea because that was so dark outside and still rather drizzle out there. It must very slippery. What if suddenly the train from the opposite direction comes over? Once again I thought that was a bad idea. I was defended with one lady wear glasses just like I am. We still hold on didn’t want to take risk jump out from the train, until one of us was asked about the conditions of train. He told us that the repaired still taking a long time with unsure.
After that I suggested lady with the glasses to follow the people for jump and walk in the middle of dark in drizzle of night. She engages me together headed to Manggarai station. Her name was Suci and we walking together. Like I said before, it wasn’t romantic but I still enjoyed. We've been chat and introduce each other along our destination. As we known that our destinations were different.
Suci and I were split before we've extended Manggarai station. I planned going to the busway shelter and she headed to Manggarai Rail station hall. I knew last night was very massive! I think KAI supposed to be responsible about neglected more than 1.2 billion people on that night. That’s why Jakarta often made us crazy because there is no guarantee safe and comfort in mass transportation.
I decided to take busway to Rawamangun and continue to take Metromini number 47 until Pondok Kopi. When I’m waiting in line I heard someone has confused how she would be reached Pondok Kopi. I know that place so well and I know about the track of my long road home.
I was asked her what place she want to headed to. She said that she want to go to Pondok Kopi like I've heard. Then I offer my self to be a companion of her. That because I was going to same place with her. Then we took busway together. She was asked me my name. She mention her name after I said my own name. Her name was Ros. She's really sweet and easy person. We chat, make a joke, and complaining about massive of traffic jam in Jakarta along our road. That time supposed to be a crap night, but that wasn't! I've been so exhausted with mass transportation in Jakarta but that night I still enjoy the misery. Just open up and you never feel alone. You always have friends then. Where ever you was..Peace!
Just for Jakarta "Please ending your jammed!!"
I was asked her what place she want to headed to. She said that she want to go to Pondok Kopi like I've heard. Then I offer my self to be a companion of her. That because I was going to same place with her. Then we took busway together. She was asked me my name. She mention her name after I said my own name. Her name was Ros. She's really sweet and easy person. We chat, make a joke, and complaining about massive of traffic jam in Jakarta along our road. That time supposed to be a crap night, but that wasn't! I've been so exhausted with mass transportation in Jakarta but that night I still enjoy the misery. Just open up and you never feel alone. You always have friends then. Where ever you was..Peace!
Just for Jakarta "Please ending your jammed!!"
Rabu, 16 November 2011
Mengejar Matahari Tengah Malam
"Halo?" aku mencoba membuka mataku, tetapi tetap saja sulit.
"Hei bangunlah sebentar."
Aku mendengar suara Sean.
"Memangnya matahari sudah terbit?" tanyaku
"Kau harus lihat ini.”
Mencoba untuk tidur lagi setelah Sean menelponku adalah hal yang sia-sia. Aku melirik jam yang sejak tadi seakan tidak bergerak. Teori relativitas sejenak tidak berlaku untukku. Jam tiga pagi dan dia menelpon tepat berada di depan pintu kamar apartemenku. Sambil terhuyung-huyung aku tetap berusaha menegapkan tubuhku meraih knop pintu yang terasa jauh sekali.
“Kau tidur?” tanyanya
Pertanyaan macam apa itu? Memang siapa yang tidak? “Cuma kau yang tega membangunkanku.” kataku datar. Aku mengerutkan dahiku merasa tidak ingin bercanda.
Bukannya meminta maaf aku malah mendengar dia terkekeh.
“Lihatlah ini!” Sean melemparkan satu buah berkas dokumen di atas meja. “benar dugaanmu.” aku melihat Sean membuka jasnya dan melipat kemeja sambil meninggalkan ruang tamu menuju dapur. “Setahun sebelum terkenal, dia juga sempat bertengkar dengan seseorang dan memukulinya sampai masuk rumah sakit.” ocehnya sama sekali tidak peduli dengan keadaanku. Bahkah aku belum berhasil memanggil jiwaku yang sudah tercerai berai kemana-mana terpisah dari tubuhku. Dia tidak memberiku kesempatan untuk sekedar mengumpulkan sisa-sianya.
Sementara itu aku ngeloyor ke arah kamar mandi. Kubasuh wajahku, terutama mataku yang masih terlihat sangat merah ketika kuhadapkan ke arah cermin. Setelah itu aku berbelok ke arah dapur dan berniat membuat kopi, tapi aku melihat mesin kopiku sudah menyala.
“Kupikir kau pasti memerlukan kopi.”
“Thanks” kataku. Jadual minum kopi yang sangat buruk! Aku berujar dalam hati tentang kebiasaanku akhir-akhir ini. Setelahnya aku menuangnya dalam satu mug besar.
[Bersambung,,]
Emergency Feelings
I thought it was supposed to be time. God knows with his accuracy about my emergency feelings. Should I call 911?. Time takes time and I can't wait. It’s absolutely the right time to see his face out of their dreams. It was pouring day when I saw them trial impression for something that they called Love. Please, I can not even separate what it’s like. Beyond two my feelings, love and lust. I used to believe them all my whole life that they had been always resided in my body and also my soul. I’ve been searching throughout my life’s time about the right touch.
I'm getting impatient right now. Look! I’m definitely in pieces. Darling I get in such of fast lane. Whether it’s wrong or right I can’t see the danger zone lie next to me. Extend feelings out of my expectation. Come after me where ever you belong now, it feels more like emotional starvation.
I'm getting impatient right now. Look! I’m definitely in pieces. Darling I get in such of fast lane. Whether it’s wrong or right I can’t see the danger zone lie next to me. Extend feelings out of my expectation. Come after me where ever you belong now, it feels more like emotional starvation.
Selasa, 15 November 2011
Mati dan Mundur
Jika kau berada pada sebuah titik ketika kau melihat di depan matamu sebuah lubang besar yang kau pikir kau tak sanggup melewatinya, apa kau akan mundur? Bagaimana atas semua perjalanan yang sudah kau lewati selama ini? Kau pun bertanya pada dirimu sendiri. Kau pun terdiam di sana memikirkan apa yang harusnya kau lakukan. Apakah kau akan kembali dan membatalkan semua keinginanmu untuk sampai ke sebuah tempat yang selama ini kau impikan?
Sebuah bintang harus mati terlebih dahulu sebelum akhirnya lahir sebuah bintang baru yang nyala sinarnya seribu kali dari sebelumnya. Setelah itu bintang itu akan berdenyar cemerlang seperti berlian. Siapa yang bilang kau tidak sempurna? Lalu siapa yang mengatakan kalau kau tidak pantas? Aku bahkan berani menghancurkan siapapun yang berani mengatakan hal itu pada dirimu. Kita sempurna di jalan kita masing-masing. Sebagaimana waktu-waktu terdahulu yang kau habiskan untuk bagaimana belajar mencintai orang lain, maka sudahkah mencintai dirimu sendiri? Bagaimana kau bisa dengan mudahnya menyalahkan dirimu sendiri untuk semua hal yang tidak bisa kau raih dan hal-hal yang berjalan tidak seharusnya menurut ukuranmu.
Mungkin saatnya untuk tidak ragu untuk mundur beberapa langkah ke belakang untuk kemudian berlari lompat dengan kekuatan yang besar melewati sebuah cekungan atau sebuah lubang yang menurutmu kau tidak akan dapat melewatinya. Lalu bagaimana jika kau terjatuh ke lubang yang paling dalam, gelap, tak berpetunjuk dan tak pernah kau bayangkan sebelumnya.
Bersyukurlah ketika kita berada pada titik terendah, karena saat itu tak ada pilihan yang dapat kau lakukan selain naik ke atas. Berdamailah dengan mimpi yang terpecah dan berserakan kemana-mana. Bukan berarti hal itu kau tidak dapat menggapainya. Berbahagialah karena mungkin Tuhan memilihmu untuk mengetahui hal besar yang selama ini kau belum tahu dan bisa jadi sebuah jalan lain yang dipilihkan untuk kita. Aku mencintai diriku sendiri sebesar karunia yang selama ini Tuhan berikan pada kesempurnaan sinar Bintang. Cemerlang seperti berlian.
Sebuah bintang harus mati terlebih dahulu sebelum akhirnya lahir sebuah bintang baru yang nyala sinarnya seribu kali dari sebelumnya. Setelah itu bintang itu akan berdenyar cemerlang seperti berlian. Siapa yang bilang kau tidak sempurna? Lalu siapa yang mengatakan kalau kau tidak pantas? Aku bahkan berani menghancurkan siapapun yang berani mengatakan hal itu pada dirimu. Kita sempurna di jalan kita masing-masing. Sebagaimana waktu-waktu terdahulu yang kau habiskan untuk bagaimana belajar mencintai orang lain, maka sudahkah mencintai dirimu sendiri? Bagaimana kau bisa dengan mudahnya menyalahkan dirimu sendiri untuk semua hal yang tidak bisa kau raih dan hal-hal yang berjalan tidak seharusnya menurut ukuranmu.
Mungkin saatnya untuk tidak ragu untuk mundur beberapa langkah ke belakang untuk kemudian berlari lompat dengan kekuatan yang besar melewati sebuah cekungan atau sebuah lubang yang menurutmu kau tidak akan dapat melewatinya. Lalu bagaimana jika kau terjatuh ke lubang yang paling dalam, gelap, tak berpetunjuk dan tak pernah kau bayangkan sebelumnya.
Bersyukurlah ketika kita berada pada titik terendah, karena saat itu tak ada pilihan yang dapat kau lakukan selain naik ke atas. Berdamailah dengan mimpi yang terpecah dan berserakan kemana-mana. Bukan berarti hal itu kau tidak dapat menggapainya. Berbahagialah karena mungkin Tuhan memilihmu untuk mengetahui hal besar yang selama ini kau belum tahu dan bisa jadi sebuah jalan lain yang dipilihkan untuk kita. Aku mencintai diriku sendiri sebesar karunia yang selama ini Tuhan berikan pada kesempurnaan sinar Bintang. Cemerlang seperti berlian.
Jangan Menunggu
Andai aku bisa mengatakan ini padamu. Tapi kau terlalu keras dan tidak peduli dengan dirimu sendiri. Kukatakan berkali-kali untuk tidak menungguku karena aku berjalan menjauh darimu. Aku bahkan akan berlari jika kau memaksa. Apa yang kau cari dariku? Bukan salahku jika kau tidak terlalu mendengarkanku. Cobalah melangkah pergi dari tempatmu berdiri kini dan lihatlah dunia sudah berubah dan kau harus berlari mengejarnya. Musim telah berganti berkali-kali dan kau hanya akan menua jika tetap di sana. Jangan menegok ke belakang dimana kau akan melihat bayanganku lagi. Aku hanyalah sebuah bayangan yang sedang kau kejar. Percayalah padaku bukan aku orangnya. Kenapa kau masih terus tahan dengan rasa sakitmu itu? Sudahi saja karena bagaimana pun aku hanya akan mengingatmu bukan mengenangmu. Tuhan tidak menitipkan rasa sayang ini padamu, percayalah itu di luar kuasamu. Aku bahkan sudah meminta maafmu untuk sesuatu yang di luar kuasaku juga. Meski kuyakin bukan hal itu juga yang kau inginkan dariku.
Andai aku bisa bertanya padamu, kau ingin aku bagaimana? Tapi kau tetap tak bisa mengalihkan kata-katamu kalau kau tidak bisa hidup dengan siapa pun kecuali denganku. Kau mengatakan hal itu dengan kelembutan suaramu tapi kau pasti tidak akan percaya jika kukatakan padamu hal itu malah membuatku takut. Itu menunjukkan kalau kau belum paham tentang bagaimana menyayangi seseorang. Kau belum belajar bagaimana rasanya sakit tidak bisa menyayangi orang yang telah sangat baik padamu. Atau mungkin kau belum tahu rasanya dadamu sesak dan kau tidak melihat apapun kecuali dirimu sendiri karena seseorang telah mematahkan hatimu yang berdetak hanya untuknya. Belajarlah merasakan hal itu. Sebuah anungerah jika kau pernah merasakan hal itu dan kau tetap berjalan untuk mengejar seseorang yang lain yang sedang menunggumu di tempat yang lain. Bagaimana kau akan tahu jika kau tetap di sana. Berlarilah untuk menjelangnya. Jika musim dingin membuatmu sakit, maka bersabarlah karena setelah itu musim semi akan memelukmu dengan keindahannya yang dapat membuatmu tersenyum bahagia.
For someone there "Sorry if finally I ignore U and Please U have to stop calling me."
For someone there "Sorry if finally I ignore U and Please U have to stop calling me."
Minggu, 13 November 2011
Paling Tahu Agama
Kenapa seseorang sering tiba-tiba merasa paling tahu jika sedang membicarakan tentang agama? Semua seakan memiliki pendapat sendiri-sendiri dan merasa benar. Kita semua pasti ingin jika sedang menanyakan yang behubungan dengan hal-hal yang belum diketahui atau belum jelas pemahaman tentang sesuatu maka kita akan mendapatkan jawaban yang menangkan dan minimal kita akhirnya tahu apa yang sebelumnya tidak kita tahu.
Tetapi jika jawaban yang diberikan dijelaskan dengan tambahan nada dan bahasa tubuh yang meremehkan, lebih dimungkinkan jawaban yang dia berikan terkalahkan dengan bagaimana dengan cara dia menyampaikan jawaban itu. Meski mungkin apa yang dia katakan sebuah kebenaran atau sesuatu yang mungkin benar untuk pertanyaan itu. Mungkin itulah kenapa perbedaan terkadang bukan menjadi sesuatu yang indah tapi malah menjadi sebuah hal yang mesti dihindari. "Merasa Paling Benar" adalah sesuatu yang seharusnya kita hindari, bukan perbedaannya. Karena jika sudah merasa paling benar, maka dia akan dapat menutup hal-hal kebaikan yang mungkin sudah dilakukan orang untuk memperbaiki agamanya sendiri. Dia pasti merasa orang yang tidak sama dengannya dengan pandangan yang salah. Memangnya siapa yang dapat menyatakan kalau dia yang paling benar? Allahlah tempat semua kebenaran.
“Serulah (manusia) kepada jalan Tuhan-mu dengan hikmah dan pelajaran yang baik dan bantahlah mereka dengan cara yang baik. Sesungguhnya Tuhanmu Dialah yang lebih mengetahui tentang siapa yang tersesat dari jalan-Nya dan Dialah yang lebih mengetahui orang-orang yang mendapat petunjuk” (An-Nahl : 125)
Tetapi jika jawaban yang diberikan dijelaskan dengan tambahan nada dan bahasa tubuh yang meremehkan, lebih dimungkinkan jawaban yang dia berikan terkalahkan dengan bagaimana dengan cara dia menyampaikan jawaban itu. Meski mungkin apa yang dia katakan sebuah kebenaran atau sesuatu yang mungkin benar untuk pertanyaan itu. Mungkin itulah kenapa perbedaan terkadang bukan menjadi sesuatu yang indah tapi malah menjadi sebuah hal yang mesti dihindari. "Merasa Paling Benar" adalah sesuatu yang seharusnya kita hindari, bukan perbedaannya. Karena jika sudah merasa paling benar, maka dia akan dapat menutup hal-hal kebaikan yang mungkin sudah dilakukan orang untuk memperbaiki agamanya sendiri. Dia pasti merasa orang yang tidak sama dengannya dengan pandangan yang salah. Memangnya siapa yang dapat menyatakan kalau dia yang paling benar? Allahlah tempat semua kebenaran.
“Serulah (manusia) kepada jalan Tuhan-mu dengan hikmah dan pelajaran yang baik dan bantahlah mereka dengan cara yang baik. Sesungguhnya Tuhanmu Dialah yang lebih mengetahui tentang siapa yang tersesat dari jalan-Nya dan Dialah yang lebih mengetahui orang-orang yang mendapat petunjuk” (An-Nahl : 125)
Kamis, 03 November 2011
3D Experience
Dear Nina
Hi Nina, how are you? Hope you are fine and great just like I am. I’d like to tell you about my experience when I visited my cousin’s house at Semarang couple month ago. Before that, did you still remember about our friend at Junior High school Rahma? She moved to Semarang on 2004. She had been living in Semarang for almost seven years until now. I called her on phone and make an appointment to meet.
After we met, we were spent our precious time to waking around. We visited several famous places at Semarang such Lawang Sewu, Gereja Bleduk, dan some Museums. Our trip ending at mall Paragon and we decide to watch movie at cinema “Transformer Dark of the Moon 3D”.
You know that Transformers is one of my favorite movies. Moreover the movie comes on 3D as well. This is my second time to watch sequel of Transformers, but this is my first experience watched on 3D.Transformers is film about some cute cars that transforming into a twenty tall robot. The Robots became so vivid every time they are transforming and more incredible when we watched it on 3D.
The film starred by Shia Labeouf, Josh Duhamel, Rossy Huntington, and many more. The story told about there is two kinds of robots; the ‘philanthropic’ Autobots and the Decepticon as villain have a battle on earth. They are all come from planet that called Cyberton. One of Autobots’s fellow is Bumblebee that was transforming from Chevrolet Camaro where driven by Shia Labeouf as Sam Witwicky.
My favorite scene was the battle of the robots that take place on the bridge. Shia and Josh for slow motion thrown out from the Chevrolet while the car transforming into robot Bumblebee. And with beautiful exactness it’s been so high speed effect where Bumblebee catches them after transformed again and get them into car. The 3D experience make show more real as we were in it. We can feel the robots flying, crashing, fighting, and also transforming most all the time. It was awesome and epic! Well Nina, after all, I hope you like my story about my experience watching movie Transformers on 3D.
[Writing's HW - Miss Hetty]
Kamis, 27 Oktober 2011
Shooting Star
The moon was rising and the sky was illuminating with light. I looked up to the sky when I saw the falling star. It is named shooting star. It was so beautiful. When I was a kid, I used to believe that every time we saw a shooting star, we should make a wish, mention our big wish by heart. It says if we make a wish at that moment, our wish will come true.
When I grow up I start asking what the shooting star is exactly. Why should we pray every time we see it? As I know shooting star is common name for the sparkling path of meteroit as it enters the athmosphere to become meteor. If a shooting star endures impact with the earth's surface, it's called a meteor.
Until now I haven't found it out yet, what is the relationship between shooting star and making a wish? I asked some friends and they had many different answers. It says that the shooting star is the moment when the angle of God descends to earth and gathers all of our pray at time. That is the reason why we should pray every time the star is falling.
But I don’t believe the myth. I think that is only one of superstitions around us. It's also hard to understand, but this habit still exists until now. I just believe that God will grant our prayer anytime not only when we see a shooting star.
(Writing Assigment 4 Grammar Class.. ahaha:-d)
Corrected By: Mr . Bass
Waktu yang Sensitif
Waktu berubah menjadi sensitif
Aku mencoba berlari tapi tetap tidak bisa mengejar matahari
Air lebih cepat berguling ketimbang angin
Menatap langkah-langkah kaki yang tidak terlalu berarti
Aku berdiri di sini terlalu bingung apa yang mesti aku bagi
Apa yang siap aku jelang sedang semua mimpi menungguku
Satu per satu akan aku datangi
Tapi bangaimana jiwa waktuku tidak menyetujui
Dia menghadangku
Mengingatkanku atas sesuatu yang tak bisa aku jawab
Untuk kesekian kalinya aku merasakan takut
Selasa, 19 Juli 2011
Twin Star (English Version of 'Bintang Kembar')
I froze in my window. Staring at the sky that just like a sparkling picture which can’t be read by me. My face still looked up to the sky that looks chaotic with all its perfection. What exactly happened to them? "The twin star ... why they have not seen?" I said to myself. I had been questioning, what will happen to them or one of them.
I'm not really want to lower my hands to prop my chin, I leaned on the dresser right beside the open window, until there was a very familiar voice tried to woke me up.
"Hi ... Ra ..." he said softly.
We were still staring at each other for a while. I forgot when the last time we’re doing that. It’s been too long. Soon, he raised his eyebrows as he smiled.
"Howdy, Ra?" He asked casually as he stood leaning against my door.
"Sam!" I suddenly got up from the bench my room and threw my arms around him. "Good! Where have you been, Sam? I just really missed you! "
I wonder what made him so different. After that incident, I know, he had the most terrible injured. But then when I saw him after so long, he was the same.
"I'm here right now ..." Sam hugged me and kissed my cheek. "You are getting big."
"You're an evil, never come home!" I can’t hide my tears.
"I’m really sorry, Ra." he’s still hugging me. "Is everything all right here?"
"It's good."
"What about Daddy?"
"M-hm ... He's good too!" and then I can't stop my tears.
"Please, don’t cry anymore ... you’ll look ugly." he laughed as he teased me.
"I don’t care! I just miss you! I am very happy you're here!"
"That's why I’m here."
After a while I tried to pull his arms, but its hard because I still enjoyed his embrace. As if I didn’t want to lose that moment.
"Sam ... Don’t go anymore, please ...!" I said earnestly.
"Yeah ..," she nodded weakly.
It’s almost two years Sam didn’t come home. He abandoned his study at college. He left home and gone off somewhere. Sam is my oldest brother. After an accident three years ago, I knew Sam could not seem to forgive himself, perhaps until now.
"This house actually remains the same, Ra ..."
"No Sam ... never be the same without you here." We both sat on the bench, our favorite spot at back porch.
He bowed briefly and then looked ahead toward a row of pots of orchids with a straight face, but seems hide his interest.
"The Orchids, did you nurse all of them?" I knew he would ask me that. "How beautiful they are!"
"No, I didn’t. It’s Aunt Inne"
"Owh ..." he sounds lazy.
Aunt Inne was the new wife of our dad. Two years ago our dad decided to remarry. All I know, Sam really hates it. For him unfairly, how could so easily our dad enter strangers to our house, to marry him, and then forget about our loving mother away. He decided not to come to the wedding. After that, Sam seemed don’t want to be found by anyone.
Even so, he still sent me something in some mysterious way. Frequently Sam just sent me news that he was fine. Just few words like; "I miss you, Ra!" or "Study hard, Ra". Or "Keep an eye on daddy, Ra" which delivered by the maid, gardener, or anyone else but never directly to me and Dad and Auntie Inne.
"What about your college?" he asked.
"Good." I nodded.
"No doubt many boys had a crush on you, isn’t it?" she teased me again, ignorant as usual. However, that's what I always miss about him.
"That’s because you are my brother!" I retorted.
"Sure!" Sam laughed very relax at time.
"All this time, where had you been, Sam?" my face couldn’t hide my worry.
"I’m so sorry, I know I've been making all worried. I just want to prove to myself, mama, also El, that I could change to be a better person. Anyway, I've been working now, Ra” he said, looking at me.
"Really?"
"Yeah, at the multimedia’s company. I’m an illustrator there."
"I know, your soul has always existed in that world, Sam."
"I realize it's been a long time. Basically I just messed up with my life before that ...-"
"Who said you’re messed up anyway?!” I interrupted him. "You're still the best brother for me."
"I can only make troubles for mum and dad," then he drew in an audible breath."Mama and El died because of me".
"Sam, stop it. I never want to hear that anymore." I had complained to him once again. I furrowed my eyebrows, not agree with his words earlier at all.
El is my other brother. He is Sam’s twin brother. Although their faces are very similar, they are actually very different. Since junior high, Sam and El asked me to start calling them by their name only. Though mum and dad told me to keep calling them with brother, but sometimes I do feel closer to their name, endorsed some agreement with them.
Before the accident, we all know that relationship between mum and dad hadn’t been going very well. They argued a lot. When it happened, El usually calmed me down, because El more often stayed at home rather than Sam. But I know, Sam was watching over everything in his own way. It was him who picked me up from school or my activities outside the school. It is not such a secret that many of my school’s friends had felt in love with Sam. Sam and El is just the same. For me, they both are like twin stars.
Until one day, my mother finally decided to divorce with dad. Mum was too busy working. She couldn’t even spare her time for dad. And so, El had an idea; he’s trying to fix relationship between mum and dad. We planned to go on vacation together to a mountain peak in South Bandung area. He and Sam were preparing a surprise for both. At that time I had just graduated from high school. Really didn’t know what Sam and El were planning about.
Dad drove with me. Meanwhile, Mum picked up by Sam and El from her office. They've rented a villa there, the villa that would be a place for us to stay for the weekend as it was planned.
However, that plan never materialized. Car that driven by Sam slipped around the bend winding roads that steep. After the incident, Sam was in critical stage for two days. Worse yet, after knowing mum and El could not be saved, Sam seemed really depressed. Howled and cried every day, yelling, why not himself dead at the time. After nearly half of the year Sam finally got out of that trauma.
"I can’t forgive my own self, Ra ..., forever. Mum and El were better than me, they should not died-"
"Sam ... Stop it! Really I do not want to hear you blame yourself over and over again. Indeed who could decide someone should live or die?"
"But, just because of you I need to survive, Ra ..."
"I know, but you do not deserve treated yourself every time just like that. I won’t ever let you, Sam."
"El comes often in my dreams, Ra. He always says the same message. "
"What's the message?"
"Always keep eyes on you."
"Just me? " I asked, trying to convince. However, he just shrugged and fell into silent again.
When entering the high school I began to understand it. I described relationship between Sam and El, was like twin stars, depended on each other. El was more silent than Sam, and also smarter, El got more loved from dad because of his obedient. In fact, he couldn’t be far away from Sam. Sam was more daring in any case. He’s "nine out of ten" in any eyes of girls. Many admirers came for his friendly, more outgoing, and more expressive attitude. In addition, he obviously protected El and me.
In astronomy, they like two stars around each other. Circulation of the twin stars that were close together, or you could say, they go hand in hand. Both gas exchanged through the equatorial tidal flow transformed. Twin star pairs may consist of all kinds, and often didn’t match. The red giant star as I known as the white dwarf. But strangely, all members in a mismatched pair, it is very likely born simultaneously.
El resembled a giant red star, while Sam was like a white dwarf star in the eyes of Dad. Once Sam was very considered about his view from dad, in fact, it is often made him sick. Until Dad getting married for a second. That's where Sam was really disappointed.
"Papa had a son, Sam." I told him with little hesitation.
"Oh ...," he looked at me briefly.
"His name is Rayan. But now he's still at aunt's house. "
"Where is her house anyway, Ra?"
"Pasar minggu".
"Hmm ... I see. Maybe someday I’ll pay a visit. Would you like to accompany me?"
I wrinkled my forehead and smiled. ”Sure” then I finally nodded.
After the conversation that morning, Sam has gone again. However, this time he left his address. It turned out that Sam rent a house not too far from home. No wonder, sometimes I still feel he is all around watching me or daddy. But, he still did not want daddy knows the address.
"So, was Sam coming by here earlier, Ra?" Daddy asked me when he’s coming home from work.
I nodded for agreement.
"Has he still mad at me?" Dad asked me.
"No, dad ... he said he would to see you soon. He just need more time.”
He took a deep breath. I know, yet dad had the same affection. He always dreamt that someday Sam will come home. Dad still always talked about Sam and El as sons that he proud of in front of Aunt Inne and her family.
When Sam came this morning, I felt Sam has changed, and somehow dad felt that too. Sam seems born to be a rebellion to any rules that exist in this world. If it was not El who’s talking, mostly he did not listen. Although Sam looked tougher on the outside, in fact he’s the one who most often feel afraid. El once told me that behind Sam’s nonchalant attitude and his not-so-care act, he's fearful. Afraid that he can’t protect the me and El as a brother.
"I met Sam, Ra!" said dad this afternoon, putting her keys on the table. His face was full of smiles. Behind him, Aunt Inne followed him while holding Rayan.
"He went to dad's office?" I asked.
"I met him during a pilgrimage to sanctuary of El and your mum."
“Pilgrimage? Why didn’t you let me know?"
"I’m sorry, Ra ... actually we unintentionally went there. Inne suddenly asked turned to it. I never thought would meet Sam on graveyard. "
"Where did he come from?"
"He’s working, he said the company he work for handled advertising nearby, so he stopped by."
I paused, waiting for the next Dad’s lines. I know, there are many words Dad wants to tell about Sam.
"I saw Sam has brought his own car now, Ra .."
"That’s not his car anyway, Dad."
"Well, it’s office inventory, .. but still good right, Ra, .. he finally settled quite long in certain company. He has showed that he can be trusted. "
"Yes! Rayan was also very pleased to see Sam," now Auntie Inne gave an opinion.
"Ya?” I’d really surprised.
"He seems just love to see his own brother."
I saw dad nodded. The proud is seen in his face, admiration for the boy who used to be compared to his own brother. I smiled.
After the encounter, Sam came home more often. However, he still did not allow me to tell Dad where he stays. Dad wanted him to back home badly. Of course, I very much agree with Dad. However, Sam said he wanted to be independent first. He seemed want to prove something to Dad, something that he only knows. Although I often asked him, what is actually he wants to prove. His presence at home was way beyond mine and daddy’s hope.
That afternoon, I called daddy. In the middle of the quiet street my car had unexpectedly broken down. My dad said he should finish the meeting until evening. Tante Inne also still in her house at Pasar Minggu. Though I felt a little scared, I tried to control myself. Dad left the phone number of a tow truck, and I tried to contact them. I've never had a car broken down like that before. Do not know what happened, other than a strike, the tire was also flat. And as I recalled, I was pretty diligent in keeping the car.
It was nearly fifteen minutes passed after I call the tow truck.
"Sorry miss, did you call a tow truck?" said someone with red hat while he came.
"Yes, Sir." I nodded as I saw two people wearing uniforms similar to a mechanic standing near my car. They used motorbike by the way.
"What is the problem, miss?"
"I have no idea! The engine suddenly off and my car’s tires also blow-out."
"Have you checked the fuel?"
"Sure! Has no problem with that."
"Well ..." he said very convincingly. Then he opened the hood of my car for a while and then closed it again.
"What about the crane?" I asked one of them about car that should towed my car.
"Will be here soon"
"Okay ..." I felt a little bit anxious. Just a minute, I’d aware that the actual path that I went through was very quiet. I began to gasped, starting to feel scared. At first I was unsuspecting, until finally one of them opened the bag and I saw a lot of unusual stuff for someone who work as mechanic.
"Sorry miss, we have to do this.”
I turned my forehead towards them. Knew exactly what is meant by those words. I haven’t perfectly realized what really happened, suddenly a hard blow knocked my head. I fell down, but before it all dark, I knew that I could feel my own blood flow.
I felt like standing firmly at the point that hasn’t changed. Felt like I'm standing in outer space. And I seem ready to explore the universe. I smiled looking around. The sky was so beautiful when it looks like soft silk red, white, and blue. Bathed by the stars surround me now. As I’m covered by those.
My smile got wider as I could see Mum and El in the distance waiting for me to run towards them. Right before I headed to them, I could clearly see the twin stars. They looked so perfect. I do believe if the twin stars were already close together, then I must be in a safe place. There will be Sam and El who will always look after me. A second later I walked slowly toward El as he smiling at me.
I'm worried now. What exactly was happening? Why did El and mum don’t want to go see me. I saw the twin star once again. Oh God, what exactly happened? I cried. I saw one of the stars is dead. Exploding white dwarf stars are very powerful. I'm still crying because didn’t see El any longer. I gasped for breath as it getting heavier due to my sadness. I arrived at a place that I never know before, and I still ran away. But, still I didn’t understand what exactly happened.
I'm still running. I was running so fast as my breath up and down indeterminately. I felt my veins were like going to explode. I felt my adrenaline pushing through my vessel for a reason I didn’t understand. I looked around but no one there. Looking to the East, I just saw the moon that looking back at me in confuse.
"Rara .. " I heard someone’s call.
"Yes I'm here, El.” I was cried again “Mum?"
"Rara... I'm here, darling".
I ran effortlessly towards the sound. Until finally, I see the blurry shadows, Sam cried in front of me, kissing my hand.
"Honey, wake up!"
"Sam?" I weakly called him.
"Thank God." Sam said again.
My head was very dizzy. But, I could see Dad, Aunt Inne, and Rayan around me.
"Daddy, where am I now?"
"You're in the hospital, baby."
Maybe I couldn’t survive on that night, if Sam hadn’t came to help me. Apparently Dad called Sam and told him to pick me up. That was my fault, why didn’t called Sam at that time. Sam had been gone in a long time; so I wasn’t get use to his existences yet.
"I could never forgive myself, Ra, if you get hurt, or worse."
"But in fact, you're still the best brother I have." I said it after a few days and my condition is getting well.
I'm not really want to lower my hands to prop my chin, I leaned on the dresser right beside the open window, until there was a very familiar voice tried to woke me up.
"Hi ... Ra ..." he said softly.
We were still staring at each other for a while. I forgot when the last time we’re doing that. It’s been too long. Soon, he raised his eyebrows as he smiled.
"Howdy, Ra?" He asked casually as he stood leaning against my door.
"Sam!" I suddenly got up from the bench my room and threw my arms around him. "Good! Where have you been, Sam? I just really missed you! "
I wonder what made him so different. After that incident, I know, he had the most terrible injured. But then when I saw him after so long, he was the same.
"I'm here right now ..." Sam hugged me and kissed my cheek. "You are getting big."
"You're an evil, never come home!" I can’t hide my tears.
"I’m really sorry, Ra." he’s still hugging me. "Is everything all right here?"
"It's good."
"What about Daddy?"
"M-hm ... He's good too!" and then I can't stop my tears.
"Please, don’t cry anymore ... you’ll look ugly." he laughed as he teased me.
"I don’t care! I just miss you! I am very happy you're here!"
"That's why I’m here."
After a while I tried to pull his arms, but its hard because I still enjoyed his embrace. As if I didn’t want to lose that moment.
"Sam ... Don’t go anymore, please ...!" I said earnestly.
"Yeah ..," she nodded weakly.
It’s almost two years Sam didn’t come home. He abandoned his study at college. He left home and gone off somewhere. Sam is my oldest brother. After an accident three years ago, I knew Sam could not seem to forgive himself, perhaps until now.
"This house actually remains the same, Ra ..."
"No Sam ... never be the same without you here." We both sat on the bench, our favorite spot at back porch.
He bowed briefly and then looked ahead toward a row of pots of orchids with a straight face, but seems hide his interest.
"The Orchids, did you nurse all of them?" I knew he would ask me that. "How beautiful they are!"
"No, I didn’t. It’s Aunt Inne"
"Owh ..." he sounds lazy.
Aunt Inne was the new wife of our dad. Two years ago our dad decided to remarry. All I know, Sam really hates it. For him unfairly, how could so easily our dad enter strangers to our house, to marry him, and then forget about our loving mother away. He decided not to come to the wedding. After that, Sam seemed don’t want to be found by anyone.
Even so, he still sent me something in some mysterious way. Frequently Sam just sent me news that he was fine. Just few words like; "I miss you, Ra!" or "Study hard, Ra". Or "Keep an eye on daddy, Ra" which delivered by the maid, gardener, or anyone else but never directly to me and Dad and Auntie Inne.
"What about your college?" he asked.
"Good." I nodded.
"No doubt many boys had a crush on you, isn’t it?" she teased me again, ignorant as usual. However, that's what I always miss about him.
"That’s because you are my brother!" I retorted.
"Sure!" Sam laughed very relax at time.
"All this time, where had you been, Sam?" my face couldn’t hide my worry.
"I’m so sorry, I know I've been making all worried. I just want to prove to myself, mama, also El, that I could change to be a better person. Anyway, I've been working now, Ra” he said, looking at me.
"Really?"
"Yeah, at the multimedia’s company. I’m an illustrator there."
"I know, your soul has always existed in that world, Sam."
"I realize it's been a long time. Basically I just messed up with my life before that ...-"
"Who said you’re messed up anyway?!” I interrupted him. "You're still the best brother for me."
"I can only make troubles for mum and dad," then he drew in an audible breath."Mama and El died because of me".
"Sam, stop it. I never want to hear that anymore." I had complained to him once again. I furrowed my eyebrows, not agree with his words earlier at all.
El is my other brother. He is Sam’s twin brother. Although their faces are very similar, they are actually very different. Since junior high, Sam and El asked me to start calling them by their name only. Though mum and dad told me to keep calling them with brother, but sometimes I do feel closer to their name, endorsed some agreement with them.
Before the accident, we all know that relationship between mum and dad hadn’t been going very well. They argued a lot. When it happened, El usually calmed me down, because El more often stayed at home rather than Sam. But I know, Sam was watching over everything in his own way. It was him who picked me up from school or my activities outside the school. It is not such a secret that many of my school’s friends had felt in love with Sam. Sam and El is just the same. For me, they both are like twin stars.
Until one day, my mother finally decided to divorce with dad. Mum was too busy working. She couldn’t even spare her time for dad. And so, El had an idea; he’s trying to fix relationship between mum and dad. We planned to go on vacation together to a mountain peak in South Bandung area. He and Sam were preparing a surprise for both. At that time I had just graduated from high school. Really didn’t know what Sam and El were planning about.
Dad drove with me. Meanwhile, Mum picked up by Sam and El from her office. They've rented a villa there, the villa that would be a place for us to stay for the weekend as it was planned.
However, that plan never materialized. Car that driven by Sam slipped around the bend winding roads that steep. After the incident, Sam was in critical stage for two days. Worse yet, after knowing mum and El could not be saved, Sam seemed really depressed. Howled and cried every day, yelling, why not himself dead at the time. After nearly half of the year Sam finally got out of that trauma.
"I can’t forgive my own self, Ra ..., forever. Mum and El were better than me, they should not died-"
"Sam ... Stop it! Really I do not want to hear you blame yourself over and over again. Indeed who could decide someone should live or die?"
"But, just because of you I need to survive, Ra ..."
"I know, but you do not deserve treated yourself every time just like that. I won’t ever let you, Sam."
"El comes often in my dreams, Ra. He always says the same message. "
"What's the message?"
"Always keep eyes on you."
"Just me? " I asked, trying to convince. However, he just shrugged and fell into silent again.
When entering the high school I began to understand it. I described relationship between Sam and El, was like twin stars, depended on each other. El was more silent than Sam, and also smarter, El got more loved from dad because of his obedient. In fact, he couldn’t be far away from Sam. Sam was more daring in any case. He’s "nine out of ten" in any eyes of girls. Many admirers came for his friendly, more outgoing, and more expressive attitude. In addition, he obviously protected El and me.
In astronomy, they like two stars around each other. Circulation of the twin stars that were close together, or you could say, they go hand in hand. Both gas exchanged through the equatorial tidal flow transformed. Twin star pairs may consist of all kinds, and often didn’t match. The red giant star as I known as the white dwarf. But strangely, all members in a mismatched pair, it is very likely born simultaneously.
El resembled a giant red star, while Sam was like a white dwarf star in the eyes of Dad. Once Sam was very considered about his view from dad, in fact, it is often made him sick. Until Dad getting married for a second. That's where Sam was really disappointed.
"Papa had a son, Sam." I told him with little hesitation.
"Oh ...," he looked at me briefly.
"His name is Rayan. But now he's still at aunt's house. "
"Where is her house anyway, Ra?"
"Pasar minggu".
"Hmm ... I see. Maybe someday I’ll pay a visit. Would you like to accompany me?"
I wrinkled my forehead and smiled. ”Sure” then I finally nodded.
After the conversation that morning, Sam has gone again. However, this time he left his address. It turned out that Sam rent a house not too far from home. No wonder, sometimes I still feel he is all around watching me or daddy. But, he still did not want daddy knows the address.
"So, was Sam coming by here earlier, Ra?" Daddy asked me when he’s coming home from work.
I nodded for agreement.
"Has he still mad at me?" Dad asked me.
"No, dad ... he said he would to see you soon. He just need more time.”
He took a deep breath. I know, yet dad had the same affection. He always dreamt that someday Sam will come home. Dad still always talked about Sam and El as sons that he proud of in front of Aunt Inne and her family.
When Sam came this morning, I felt Sam has changed, and somehow dad felt that too. Sam seems born to be a rebellion to any rules that exist in this world. If it was not El who’s talking, mostly he did not listen. Although Sam looked tougher on the outside, in fact he’s the one who most often feel afraid. El once told me that behind Sam’s nonchalant attitude and his not-so-care act, he's fearful. Afraid that he can’t protect the me and El as a brother.
"I met Sam, Ra!" said dad this afternoon, putting her keys on the table. His face was full of smiles. Behind him, Aunt Inne followed him while holding Rayan.
"He went to dad's office?" I asked.
"I met him during a pilgrimage to sanctuary of El and your mum."
“Pilgrimage? Why didn’t you let me know?"
"I’m sorry, Ra ... actually we unintentionally went there. Inne suddenly asked turned to it. I never thought would meet Sam on graveyard. "
"Where did he come from?"
"He’s working, he said the company he work for handled advertising nearby, so he stopped by."
I paused, waiting for the next Dad’s lines. I know, there are many words Dad wants to tell about Sam.
"I saw Sam has brought his own car now, Ra .."
"That’s not his car anyway, Dad."
"Well, it’s office inventory, .. but still good right, Ra, .. he finally settled quite long in certain company. He has showed that he can be trusted. "
"Yes! Rayan was also very pleased to see Sam," now Auntie Inne gave an opinion.
"Ya?” I’d really surprised.
"He seems just love to see his own brother."
I saw dad nodded. The proud is seen in his face, admiration for the boy who used to be compared to his own brother. I smiled.
After the encounter, Sam came home more often. However, he still did not allow me to tell Dad where he stays. Dad wanted him to back home badly. Of course, I very much agree with Dad. However, Sam said he wanted to be independent first. He seemed want to prove something to Dad, something that he only knows. Although I often asked him, what is actually he wants to prove. His presence at home was way beyond mine and daddy’s hope.
That afternoon, I called daddy. In the middle of the quiet street my car had unexpectedly broken down. My dad said he should finish the meeting until evening. Tante Inne also still in her house at Pasar Minggu. Though I felt a little scared, I tried to control myself. Dad left the phone number of a tow truck, and I tried to contact them. I've never had a car broken down like that before. Do not know what happened, other than a strike, the tire was also flat. And as I recalled, I was pretty diligent in keeping the car.
It was nearly fifteen minutes passed after I call the tow truck.
"Sorry miss, did you call a tow truck?" said someone with red hat while he came.
"Yes, Sir." I nodded as I saw two people wearing uniforms similar to a mechanic standing near my car. They used motorbike by the way.
"What is the problem, miss?"
"I have no idea! The engine suddenly off and my car’s tires also blow-out."
"Have you checked the fuel?"
"Sure! Has no problem with that."
"Well ..." he said very convincingly. Then he opened the hood of my car for a while and then closed it again.
"What about the crane?" I asked one of them about car that should towed my car.
"Will be here soon"
"Okay ..." I felt a little bit anxious. Just a minute, I’d aware that the actual path that I went through was very quiet. I began to gasped, starting to feel scared. At first I was unsuspecting, until finally one of them opened the bag and I saw a lot of unusual stuff for someone who work as mechanic.
"Sorry miss, we have to do this.”
I turned my forehead towards them. Knew exactly what is meant by those words. I haven’t perfectly realized what really happened, suddenly a hard blow knocked my head. I fell down, but before it all dark, I knew that I could feel my own blood flow.
I felt like standing firmly at the point that hasn’t changed. Felt like I'm standing in outer space. And I seem ready to explore the universe. I smiled looking around. The sky was so beautiful when it looks like soft silk red, white, and blue. Bathed by the stars surround me now. As I’m covered by those.
My smile got wider as I could see Mum and El in the distance waiting for me to run towards them. Right before I headed to them, I could clearly see the twin stars. They looked so perfect. I do believe if the twin stars were already close together, then I must be in a safe place. There will be Sam and El who will always look after me. A second later I walked slowly toward El as he smiling at me.
I'm worried now. What exactly was happening? Why did El and mum don’t want to go see me. I saw the twin star once again. Oh God, what exactly happened? I cried. I saw one of the stars is dead. Exploding white dwarf stars are very powerful. I'm still crying because didn’t see El any longer. I gasped for breath as it getting heavier due to my sadness. I arrived at a place that I never know before, and I still ran away. But, still I didn’t understand what exactly happened.
I'm still running. I was running so fast as my breath up and down indeterminately. I felt my veins were like going to explode. I felt my adrenaline pushing through my vessel for a reason I didn’t understand. I looked around but no one there. Looking to the East, I just saw the moon that looking back at me in confuse.
"Rara .. " I heard someone’s call.
"Yes I'm here, El.” I was cried again “Mum?"
"Rara... I'm here, darling".
I ran effortlessly towards the sound. Until finally, I see the blurry shadows, Sam cried in front of me, kissing my hand.
"Honey, wake up!"
"Sam?" I weakly called him.
"Thank God." Sam said again.
My head was very dizzy. But, I could see Dad, Aunt Inne, and Rayan around me.
"Daddy, where am I now?"
"You're in the hospital, baby."
Maybe I couldn’t survive on that night, if Sam hadn’t came to help me. Apparently Dad called Sam and told him to pick me up. That was my fault, why didn’t called Sam at that time. Sam had been gone in a long time; so I wasn’t get use to his existences yet.
"I could never forgive myself, Ra, if you get hurt, or worse."
"But in fact, you're still the best brother I have." I said it after a few days and my condition is getting well.
"I promise, I will go home soon."
I smiled, glad to hear it. I knew Sam couldn’t live with the guilty feeling anymore.
According to dad’s story, as my lucky at that time, Sam came with his friend to picked me up. He crippling two criminals and hurriedly took me to the hospital while his friend sent two criminals to the police station.
"Sam, how long I’m unconscious?"
"24 hours. But, finally my blood had beneficial for you," he said with a joke. "My blood similar with yours, while El similar with dad." I tried to ignore his little joked then.
"Sam," I muttered, sighed softly breath.
"Ya?”
"I think I saw Mama and El."
He just stayed silent grimly, he remained stun.
"They seemed happy there. I also saw the twin stars, Sam." I saw his brow furrowed. "But I was sad. Why did a white dwarf star have to explode?"
"Supernova." He muttered quietly.
"What?"
"Yeah, something you saw was called by supernova. It’s the way of stars to end their own life"
"Is because El was dead?"
"It has got nothing to do with it,” he said “It’s just your delusion. You went to a different world when you're in critical stage yesterday. Although El and mum are dead, they’re still exist here." Sam put his hand on his chest.
"Then what will happen after supernova, Sam?"
"There will be a new star. Star that explodes in supernova will be look very bright. Even its brilliant light can reach hundreds of millions times than the original star."
I smiled then. Now I know what that means.
"Why are you smiling?" Sam said after he saw me.
"Now, you're a the bright new star Sam," Sam then kissed my forehead "Do not go again, please” I begged.
"Ok, this time I promise."
After the incident, Sam came home. We became a whole family again. I’ve been waiting for this time when all of us live together as a new family. Day by day we’re getting happier than ever. God, please..I don’t want to lose them again, forever. "
Edited By: Nengnong and Me (Lately!) ^_^
Thanks banget jadi Ciamik!!!
I smiled, glad to hear it. I knew Sam couldn’t live with the guilty feeling anymore.
According to dad’s story, as my lucky at that time, Sam came with his friend to picked me up. He crippling two criminals and hurriedly took me to the hospital while his friend sent two criminals to the police station.
"Sam, how long I’m unconscious?"
"24 hours. But, finally my blood had beneficial for you," he said with a joke. "My blood similar with yours, while El similar with dad." I tried to ignore his little joked then.
"Sam," I muttered, sighed softly breath.
"Ya?”
"I think I saw Mama and El."
He just stayed silent grimly, he remained stun.
"They seemed happy there. I also saw the twin stars, Sam." I saw his brow furrowed. "But I was sad. Why did a white dwarf star have to explode?"
"Supernova." He muttered quietly.
"What?"
"Yeah, something you saw was called by supernova. It’s the way of stars to end their own life"
"Is because El was dead?"
"It has got nothing to do with it,” he said “It’s just your delusion. You went to a different world when you're in critical stage yesterday. Although El and mum are dead, they’re still exist here." Sam put his hand on his chest.
"Then what will happen after supernova, Sam?"
"There will be a new star. Star that explodes in supernova will be look very bright. Even its brilliant light can reach hundreds of millions times than the original star."
I smiled then. Now I know what that means.
"Why are you smiling?" Sam said after he saw me.
"Now, you're a the bright new star Sam," Sam then kissed my forehead "Do not go again, please” I begged.
"Ok, this time I promise."
After the incident, Sam came home. We became a whole family again. I’ve been waiting for this time when all of us live together as a new family. Day by day we’re getting happier than ever. God, please..I don’t want to lose them again, forever. "
Edited By: Nengnong and Me (Lately!) ^_^
Thanks banget jadi Ciamik!!!
Kamis, 14 Juli 2011
Tak Teridentifikasi
Dimensi-dimensi tak teridentifikasi masih berusaha memelukku. Bertanya padaku, apa yang sebenarnya terjadi? Otakku tertanam sangat dalam di alam bawah sadar dengan mimpi-mimpi yang tersusupi.
Aku menghela nafas, menyerah pada gravitasi yang masih menyandera kaki-kaki.
Berdiri di antara lorong-lorong yang sunyi.
Apa mungkin mereka masih memaksaku? menyetujui kata-katanya, bahwa "Tak ada yang lebih biru dari rasa rindu."
Lalu apa yang terbela dari rasa hampa?
Mengapa kau biarkan hatimu mengharu biru seperti itu.
Padahal suaranya masih menggema dengan jelas, tertangkap oleh saraf-saraf yang terbuka, bawasannya tak ada harapan di sana.
Namun aku masih belum mengerti.
Tak teridentifikasi seperti fikirannya. Bahkan kabutpun terlihat muram ketika menyelimutinya. Aku hanya bisa mengintip bayangannya melalui cermin.
Tak berani menatapnya lebih lama.
Karena memang dia tak sepenuhnya nyata.
Para pemimpi sekali lagi memperingatiku.
Jangan pernah sedikitpun menangisinya.
Karena semua kegalauan sudah digariskan.
Semua kesakitan sudah direncanakan.
Dan semua kebahagiaan sudah disiapkan.
Beranda jiwanya seakan jauh dari gerak-gerik energi.
Kosong dari paradigma yang sepi.
Terisolasi oleh dugaan yang terperinci.
Bahwa kemungkinan dan kepastiaan adalah sesuatu yang tak teridentifikasi.
Aku menghela nafas, menyerah pada gravitasi yang masih menyandera kaki-kaki.
Berdiri di antara lorong-lorong yang sunyi.
Apa mungkin mereka masih memaksaku? menyetujui kata-katanya, bahwa "Tak ada yang lebih biru dari rasa rindu."
Lalu apa yang terbela dari rasa hampa?
Mengapa kau biarkan hatimu mengharu biru seperti itu.
Padahal suaranya masih menggema dengan jelas, tertangkap oleh saraf-saraf yang terbuka, bawasannya tak ada harapan di sana.
Namun aku masih belum mengerti.
Tak teridentifikasi seperti fikirannya. Bahkan kabutpun terlihat muram ketika menyelimutinya. Aku hanya bisa mengintip bayangannya melalui cermin.
Tak berani menatapnya lebih lama.
Karena memang dia tak sepenuhnya nyata.
Para pemimpi sekali lagi memperingatiku.
Jangan pernah sedikitpun menangisinya.
Karena semua kegalauan sudah digariskan.
Semua kesakitan sudah direncanakan.
Dan semua kebahagiaan sudah disiapkan.
Beranda jiwanya seakan jauh dari gerak-gerik energi.
Kosong dari paradigma yang sepi.
Terisolasi oleh dugaan yang terperinci.
Bahwa kemungkinan dan kepastiaan adalah sesuatu yang tak teridentifikasi.
Bintang Kembar
Aku terdiam di jendela kamarku. Memandangi gemerlap langit gambaran yang tidak bisa terbaca olehku. Wajahku masih saja tengadah ke arah bentangan langit yang terlihat kacau balau dengan segala kesempurnaannya. Apa sebenarnya yang terjadi pada mereka?. “Bintang kembar... kenapa kau tidak juga terlihat?” ucapku dalam hati. Bertanya sejak tadi, apa yang akan terjadi dengan mereka atau salah satu dari mereka.
Aku belum juga mau menurunkan kedua tanganku yang menopang daguku, Aku bersandar di atas meja rias tepat berada di samping jendela terbuka itu, hingga ada suara yang sangat kukenal mencoba mengagetkanku.
“Hai... Ra...”, panggilnya lembut.
Kita masih saling bertatapan untuk beberapa saat. Seperti sudah sangat lama tidak melakukan hal itu. Tak lama kemudian, dia menaikkan alisnya sembari tersenyum.
“Apa kabar, Ra?” tanyanya santai sambil tetap berdiri di depan pintu kamarku sembari bersandar.
“Sam!!”, sontak aku bangkit dari bangku rias di kamarku dan langsung memeluknya. “Baik! Kamu kemana aja, Sam? Aku kangen banget sama kamu!”
Entah apa yang membuatnya berubah. Setelah kejadian itu, aku tahu, dialah yang paling terluka. Tetapi, saat itu ketika aku melihatnya setelah sekian lama menghilang, dia masih seperti dulu.
“Aku di sini kan sekarang...” Sam balas memelukku dan mencium pipiku. “Kamu sudah semakin besar saja,”.
“Kamu jahat, ngga pernah pulang!” aku mulai tidak bisa menyembunyikan tangisku.
“Maafin aku ya, Ra..” ujarnya masih sambil memelukku. “Apa semua baik-baik aja?”
“Baik juga..”
“Papa bagaimana?”
“Iya... Papa sehat.”.
“Sudah! Jangan nangis gitu...ntar ilang cantiknya.” Dia tertawa sambil menggodaku.
“Biarin..!! Aku kangen! Aku seneng banget kamu ke sini!”
“Ya, memang itu tujuan aku”
Setelah beberapa saat aku mencoba melepaskan pelukannya, tapi masih sedikit malas tetap merangkulnya, seakan tidak mau kehilangannya sekali lagi.
“Sam... Jangan pergi lagi, please...!” ucapku sungguh-sungguh.
“Iya..,” dia terlihat mengangguk lemah.
Hapir dua tahun Sam tidak pulang ke rumah. Dia tinggalkan begitu saja bangku kuliahnya. Dia tinggalkan rumah dan pergi entah ke mana. Sam adalah abangku yang paling tua. Setelah kecelakaan tiga tahun lalu, aku tahu Sam seperti tidak bisa memaafkan dirinya sendiri. Bahkan, mungkin sampai sekarang.
“Rumah ini benar-benar masih seperti dulu ya, Ra...”
“Ngga Sam... Beda. Karena ngga ada kamu di sini.” Kita berdua kini sudah duduk di bangku teras belakang favorit keluarga dulu.
Dia tertunduk sebentar lalu menatap ke depan ke arah deretan pot-pot anggrek dengan wajah datar, namun seperti menyembunyikan ketertarikannya.
“Anggrek-anggreknya kamu yang ngerawat?” Aku tahu dia akan menanyakan hal itu. “Makin banyak dan makin indah dilihat. Pinter juga sekarang kamu ngerawatnya, Ra..”
“Bukan aku yang ngerawat, tapi Tante Inne.”
“Owh...” jawabnya terdengar malas.
Tante Inne adalah istri papa yang baru. Dua tahun lalu papa memutuskan untuk menikah lagi. Aku tahu, Sam sangat membenci itu. Baginya tidak adil, bagaimana bisa papa begitu mudah memasukkan orang asing, menikah dengannya, dan melupakan mama begitu saja. Jangankan hadir ke acara pernikahan papa, menerima telepon dari papa juga dia tidak mau. Setelah itu, Sam benar-benar seperti tidak ingin ditemukan oleh siapapun. Walau begitu, dia masih suka kirim sesuatu padaku dengan caranya yang misterius, aku tidak akan bisa balik menemukannya atau bahkan membalasnya.
Seringnya Sam cuma kirim kabar kalau dia baik-baik saja. Hanya mengirim beberapa kata “Aku kangen, Ra!” atau “Belajar yang benar, Ra”. Atau “Jagain Papa, Ra”, yang seringnya dia titipkan ke pembantu, tukang kebun, atau siapapun kecuali aku, papa, dan Tante Inne.
“Gimana kuliah kamu?” tanyanya.
“Baik.” Aku mengangguk.
“Pasti banyak yang naksir kamu ya, Ra” ujarnya menggodaku lagi. Jahil seperti biasa. Namun, hal itulah yang selalu aku rindukan dari dirinya.
“Adiknya siapa dulu, dong” balasku.
“Hahaha… Pasti!” Sam tertawa santai sekali saat itu.
“kamu selama ini ke mana saja, Sam?” wajahku tidak bisa menyembunyikan kekhawatiran terhadapnya.
“Maafin aku, Ra kalau selama ini aku sudah bikin semua khawatir. Aku cuma ingin buktiin sama diri aku, mama, juga El, kalau aku bisa jadi lebih baik. Aku sudah kerja sekarang, Ra”, ujarnya sambil menatap ke arahku.
“Oh ya?!”
“Iya. Di perusahaan multimedia. Aku jadi ilustrator tetap di situ.”
“Aku tahu, memang jiwa kamu sejak dulu ada di dunia itu, Sam.”.
“Iya Ra... Aku menyadari itu sudah lama. Cuma dasarnya aja aku ngga bener...—”
“Memang siapa yang anggap kamu tidak benar sih, Sam..?!”, ujarku memotong kata-katanya. “Kamu tetap abang terbaik di mata aku”.
“Dulu aku hanya bisa nyusahin mama sama papa aja, Ra...”, kemudian terdengar dia menghela napfas. “Mama dan El meninggal juga gara-gara aku”.
“Sam... Kamu kok ngomong begitu sih?”, keluhku padanya sekali lagi. Aku mengernyitkan alisku, sama sekali tidak setuju dengan kata-katanya tadi.
El adalah abangku yang lain. Dia adalah adik kembaran Sam. Meski wajah mereka sangat mirip, sebenarnya mereka sangatlah berbeda. Sejak SMP, Sam dan El memintaku untuk mulai memanggil mereka dengan nama saja. Meski papa dan mama tetap menyuruhku memanggil mereka dengan sebuatan abang, aku terkadang memang merasa lebih dekat dengan panggilan nama itu. Menyetujui sebuah kesepakatan dengan mereka.
Sebelum kecelakaan itu, kita semua tahu kalau hubungan papa dan mama sudah sejak lama tidak harmonis. Seringkali mereka bertengkar. Kalau sudah begitu, biasanya El yang membuatku tenang, karena El lebih sering berada di rumah ketimbang Sam. Namun aku tahu, Sam menjagaku dengan caranya yang berbeda. Dialah yang suka menjemputku dari sekolah atau kegiatanku di luar sekolah. Sudah bukan rahasia lagi kalau banyak teman sekolahku ketika itu jatuh hati dengan abangku satu itu. Sam dan El sebenarnya sama. Bagiku, mereka berdua adalah seperti bintang kembar.
Sampai suatu hari, akhirnya mama memutuskan bercerai dengan papa. Mama terlalu sibuk bekerja hinggai tidak ada waktu untuk papa, begitu juga sebaliknya. Namun kala itu El, memiliki sebuah ide:; mencoba memperbaiki hubungan mama dan papa. Kita berencana liburan bersama ke sebuah puncak gunung di daerah Bandung Selatan. Dia dan Sam sudah merencanakan kejutan untuk keduanya. Saat itu aku baru saja lulus SMP. Tidak terlalu tahu rencana apa yang sebenarnya terjadi antara kedua abangku Sam dan El.
Aku dan papa berangkat dari rumah. Sementara, Sam dan El menjemput mama dari kantornya. Mereka sudah menyewa sebuah villa di sana, nantinya vila itu akan kami singgahi selama akhir pekan sesuai rencana.
Akan tetapi, rencana itu tidak pernah terwujud. Mobil yang dikendarai Sam tergelincir di tikungan jalan berkelok-kelok terjal itu. Setelah kejadian itu, Sam sempat kritis selama dua hari. Parahnya lagi, setelah mengetahui mama dan El tidak bisa diselamatkan, Sam seperti orang kesetanan. Meraung dan menangis setiap hari, berteriak, mengapa bukan dirinya saja yang mati saat itu. Hampir setengah tahun Sam akhirnya bisa keluar dari traumanya itu.
“Aku belum bisa maafin diri aku sendiri, Ra..., sampai kapan pun. Mama dan El lebih baik dari aku, dan seharusnya bukan mereka yang mati tapi—“
“Sam... Stop deh! Aku tidak ingin dengar itu lagi. Memang abang yang bisa putuskan siapa yang harusnya mati atau hidup?”
“Tapi, cuma karena kamu aja sekarang aku mau bertahan, Ra...”
“Rara tahu, tapi bukan begitu caranya abang memperlakukan diri abang sendiri..”.
“El sering dataeng di mimpi-mimpi aku, Ra. Dia selalu bilang pesan yang sama.”
“Memang apa pesannya?”
“Supaya selalu jagain kamu”
“Cuma Rara?”, tanyaku mencoba menyakinkan. Namun, dia hanya mengangkat bahunya lalu terdiam lagi.
Ketika menginjak SMU aku baru mulai mengerti akan hal itu. Jika digambarkan hubungan Sam dan El, mereka seperti bintang kembar, saling bergantung satu sama lain. El yang lebih diam dari Sam, El yang lebih pintar dari Sam, El yang lebih dicintai oleh papaku karena sikap penurutnya, nyatanya tidak bisa jauh dari Sam. Sam lebih berani dalam hal apapun., Dia “sembilan” di mata teman-teman wanitanya., Banyak disukai orang karena sikapnya yang ramah, lebih mudah bergaul, dan lebih ekpresif. Selain itu juga, Sam sangat terlihat melindungi El dan aku.
Kalau dalam astronomi, mereka dua buah bintang saling mengelilingi. Beredarnya bintang kembar itu saling berdekatan, atau bisa dibilang, mereka berjalan seiring. Keduanya bertukar gas melalui aliran pasang surut khatulistiwa yang berubah bentuk. Pasangan bintang kembar dapat terdiri dari segala jenis, dan kerap sekali tidak serasi.: Bintang merah maha raksasa, atau bintang mirip matahari yang di kenal dengan si kerdil putih. Tetapi anehnya, semua anggota dalam pasangan yang tidak serasi itu, sangat mungkin lahir bersamaan.
El mirip bintang merah raksasa, sedangkan Sam mirip bintang putih kerdil di mata papa. Entah mekengapa, dulu Sam begitu menganggap pandangan papa tentang dia dan El. Padahal, itu justru sering membuat dirinya sakit. Sampai akhirnya papa menikah lagi., Di situlah puncaknya Sam benar-benar kecewa.
“Papa sudah punya anak, Sam..”, sedikit ragu aku memberitahunya.
“Oh...”, dia memandangku sebentar.
“Namanya Rayan. Tapi sekarang dia masih di rumah Tante Inne.”
“Memang rumahnya di mana, Ra?”
“Pasar Minggu.”.
“Hmm..… kapan-kapan kita ke sana ya, Ra.”. Aku mengernyitkan dahiku sambil tersenyum, lalu akhirnya mengangguk juga.
Dari pembicaraan pagi itu, Sam pergi lagi. Namun, kali ini dia meninggalkan alamatnya. Ternyata Sam mengontrak tidak terlalu jauh dari rumah. Pantas, terkadang aku masih merasa dia ada di sekeliling mengawasi aku atau papa. Tapi, dia masih belum ingin papa mengetahui alamatnya.
“Jadi Sam ke sini tadi, Ra?” Tanya papa sewaktu pulang dari kantor.
Aku mengangguk mengiyakan.
“Kenapa ngga telepon papa sih?. Apa sekarang dia masih belum mau ketemu papa?”
“Ngga, pa... dia bilang nanti mau ketemu papa kok.”.
Papa menghela nafasnya., Aku tahu, meski begitu papa juga sayang sama Sam. Selalu memimpikan kapan dia kembali ke rumah. Papa sering membicarakan Sam dan El di depan Tante Inne dan keluarganya.
Ketika Sam kembali dan aku berpikir, kalau Sam sudah berubah, ternyata dirasakan papa juga. Sam paling tidak suka mengikuti aturan apapun yang ada di dunia ini. Jika bukan karena El yang bicara, dia lebih sering tidak mau mendengarkan. Meski Sam terlihat lebih tegar di luar, nyatanya dialah yang paling sering merasa takut. El pernah mengatakan itu padaku,, kalau di balik sikap cuek dan tidak pedulinya Sam, dia punya rasa takut. Takut kalau tidak bisa melindungi El dan aku sebagai saudaranya.
“Papa ketemu Sam, Ra!” Kata papa sore itu sambil meletakkan kunci mobilnya di meja. Wajahnya penuh senyum. Di belakangnya, Tante Inne berjalan mengikutinya sembari menggendong Rayan.
“Dia ke kantor papa?”, tanyaku.
“Papa ketemu dia saat ziarah ke makam mama dan El.”
“Papa ziarah? Kok ngga bilang-bilang?..”
“Iya maaf, Ra... awalnya juga ngga niat. Cuman Tante Inne tiba-tiba saja minta belok ke sana. Papa ngga nyangka bakal ketemu Sam di sana.”
“Sam dari mana memang, pa?”
“Lagi sambil kerja, katanya perusahaan yang lagi dia tangani buat iklan dekat situ, karena itu dia mampir.”
Aku terdiam, menunggu reksi papa selanjutnya. Aku tahu, masih banyak kata-kata yang ingin papa ceritakan tentang Sam.
“Sam sudah bawa mobil sendiri sekarang, Ra..”
“Bukan mobil dia, Pa.”
“Yah, memang dia bilang mobil kantor, ..tapi tetap bagus kan, Ra, ..akhirnya dia menetap lama di sebuah kantor. Dia bisa jadi orang yang dipercaya.”
“Iya! Tadi juga Rayan sangat senang ketemu Sam,” kini giliran Tante Inne berpendapat.
“Oh ya?!”
“Seperti sudah lama tidak bertemu kakaknya sendiri.”
Papa mengangguk. Terlihat kini wajah bangga untuk anak lelaki yang dulu sering dia bandingkan dengan saudaranya sendiri. Aku tersenyum.
Setelah pertemuan itu, Sam sering datang ke rumah. Namun begitu, dia masih belum mau memberitahukan di mana rumah kontrakkannya pada papa. Papa ingin sekali dia kembali ke rumah. Sudah tentu, aku sangat setuju dengan papa. Namun, Sam bilang, dia ingin mandiri dulu. Jika semuanya sudah dia buktikan, dia mungkin akan mempertimbangkannya. Meski seringkali aku bertanya padanya, sebenarnya dia ingin membuktikan apalagi?! Kehadirannya di rumah lebih dari pengharapan aku dan papa dari apapun.
Sore itu, sehabis maghrib aku telepon papa. Tiba-tiba saja mobilku mogok di jalan. Papa bilang harus rapat hingga malam. Tante Inne juga masih ada di rumahnya di Pasar minggu. Meski awalnya sedikit takut, aku mencoba mengendalikannya sendiri. Papa meninggalkan nomor telepon sebuah mobil derek, dan aku coba menghubunginya. Belum pernah aku mengalami mobil mogok seperti itu. Entah apa yang terjadi, selain mogok, ban juga kempes. Padahal seingatku, aku cukup rajin menjaga mobil itu.
Hampir lima belas menit berlalu setelah aku telepon mobil derek.
“Maaf mba, tadi telepon mobil derek ya?”
“Iya, mas.” Aku mengangguk sambil melihat dua orang yang menggunakan seragam mirip montir mendekati mobilku. Mereka menggunakan motor.
“Masalahnya kenapa, mba?”
“Ngga tau, nih! Tiba-tiba saja mogok, sudah gitu bannya kempes juga.”.
“Sudah di cek bahan bakarnya?”
“Masih penuh, kok.”
“Ohh baik...” ucapnya sangat menyakinkan. Petugas mirip montir tadi sempat membuka kap mobilku sebentar lalu menutupnya kembali.
“Mobil dereknya?” Tanyaku pada salah satu dari mereka.
“Sebentar lagi datang..”
“Oke...” ujarku sedikit takut. Aku baru sangat menyadari kalau sebenarnya jalan yang aku lalui saat itu sangat sepi. Aku mulai terkesiap—mulai merasa takut. Awalnya aku tidak menaruh curiga, hingga akhirnya seorang dari mereka membuka tas dan aku melihat banyak benda tajam yang ada di dalamnya.
“Maaf mba kalau kami harus melakukan hal ini ke mba..”
Aku mengernyitkan dahiku ke arah mereka, tahu benar apa yang dimaksud dengan kata-kata itu. Belum sempurna aku menyadarinya, tiba-tiba saja pukulan keras mengenai kepalaku. Aku terjatuh, tapi sebelum semuanya gelap, dan aku tahu, saat itu aku dapat merasakan darahku sendiri mengalir.
Ketika itu aku seakan berada di atas titik pijakan yang belum berubah. Merasa kini seperti sedang berada di luar angkasa sambil berdiri. Siap menjajaki alam semesta. Aku tersenyum memandanginya, memang indah langit yang saat itu terlihat seperti sutera lembut berwarna merah, putih, dan biru. Bermandikan bintang-bintang kini mengelilingiku. Seperti diselimuti olehnya.
Aku lebih tersenyum lagi saat aku bisa melihat mama dan El dari kejauhan menungguku berlari ke arah mereka. Sebelum menuju mereka, aku bisa melihat jelas bintang kembar itu. Mereka terlihat begitu sempurna. Yakinku, jika bintang kembar itu sudah berada saling berdekatan, maka aku pasti berada di tempat yang aman. Ada Sam dan El yang akan selalu menjagaku. Sedetik kemudian aku berjalan pelan ke arah El yang tersenyum.
Aku khawatir sekarang. Apa sebenarnya yang terjadi. Mengapa El dan mama tidak mau berjalan menemuiku. Aku melihat bintang kembar itu sekali lagi. Ya Allah, apa sebenarnya yang terjadi? Aku menangis. Aku melihat salah satu bintang itu mati. Bintang kerdil putih meledak sangat dahsyat. Aku masih menangis karena kini aku tidak melihat El lagi. Napasku tersengal bercampur sedih mendalam. Ketika sampai di sebuah tempat, yang sama sekali takku kenali sebelumnya, aku tetap berlari begitu saja. Tetapi, tetap saja aku belum mengerti sebenarnya apa yang terjadi.
Aku tetap berlari. Berlari sekuat tenaga dengan napas turun naik tak tentu. Nadiku seperti mau pecah., Terdorong adrenalin yang tiba-tiba saja membuncah tanpa sebab, yang belum juga aku temukan saat itu. Aku melihat sekeliling tidak ada siapapun. Menghadap ke Timur, aku hanya melihat bulan yang balik memandangku dengan bingung.
“Rara..…” aku mendengar seorang memanggilku.
“Ya..… aku di sini, El. Mama..…” aku menangis lagi.
“Rara..… Aku di sini, sayang”.
Susah payah aku berlari meraih suara itu. Hingga akhirnya, aku melihat bayangan sedikit mengabur, Sam menangis di hadapanku sambil menciumi tanganku.
“Sayang..… Bangun!.”
“Saaamm..…” panggilku sekuat tenagaku.
“Ya Allah..… Syukurlah.” ujar Sam sekali lagi.
Kepalaku pusing sekali. Tapi, aku kini bisa melihat papa, Tante Inne, dan Rayan di sekelilingku.
“Pa..… Rara di mana ?”
“Kamu di rumah sakit, sayang..”
Mungkin aku tidak bisa selamat malam itu, jika Sam tidak datang menolongku. Rupanya papa menelepon Sam dan menyuruh untuk menjemputku. Salahku juga, mengapa tidak menghubungi Sam saat itu. Sam sudah lama tidak ada, hingga hal itu masih berpengaruh.
“Aku tidak akan pernah bisa maafin diri sendiri, Ra, kalau kamu sampai terluka,bahkan pergi.”
“Tapi nyatanya, kamu tetap abang terbaik aku.” jawabku ketika beberapa hari kondisiku mulai membaik.
“Aku janji, habis ini aku bakal pulang ke rumah.”
Aku tersenyum senang mendengarnya. Aku tahu, sam tidak bisa hidup dengan rasa bersalah lagi.
Menurut cerita Papa, dengan sekuat tenaga Sam melumpuhkan dua penjahat itu dan membawaku buru-buru ke rumah sakit. Saat itu, Sam sedang bersama teman kerjanya. Sam membawaku ke rumah sakit, sedangkan temannya mengirim dua penjahat itu ke kantor polisi.
“Sam..…berapa lama aku ngga sadar?”
“Sehari semalam. Ternyata darah aku bermanfaat juga ya buat kamu”, ujarnya sambil terkekeh. “Cuma aku yang darahnya sama kaya kamu, El itu sama kaya papa.”
Aku mencoba sedikit tidak menghiraukan candanya.
“Sam..…” gumamku sambil menghela napfas lirih.
“Iya, Ra..…”
“Aku sempat lihat Mama sama El..”.
Dia hanya cuma terdiam namun muram, Sam kemudian tetap tertegun.
“Mereka terlihat bahagia di sana. Aku juga lihat bintang kembar, Sam..” Aku melihat dahinya berkerut. “Tapi aku sedih. Mengapa bintang kerdil putih itu justru meledak?”
“Supernova..…”, gumamnya pelan.
“Apa?!”
“Iya, yang kamu lihat itu namanya supernova..Cara bintang mengakhiri hidupnya sendiri.”
“Apa karena El sudah meninggal?”
“Ra..…ngga ada hubungannya. Itu hanya delusi kamu aja. Kamu berada di alam yang berbeda waktu kamu kritis kemarin. Meski El dan mama sudah meninggal, mereka tetap ada di sini.” Sam meletakkan tangan di dadanya.
“Lalu apa yang terjadi setelah supernova, Sam?”
“Akan ada bintang baru..…, bintang yang mengalami supernova akan terlihat sangat cemerlang. Bahkan, kecemerlangannya dapat mencapai ratusan juta kali cahaya bintang semula.”.
Mendengarnya aku tersenyum. Kini aku tahu maksudnya.
“Mengapa tersenyum begitu?” Tanya Sam setelah melihatku.
“Kamu bintang baru yang cemerlang itu Sam, sekarang..”. Sam kemudian mencium keningku “Jangan pergi lagi, please..…”
“Iya Ra..… Kali ini aku janji.”.
Setelah kejadian itu, Sam kembali ke rumah papa. Semakin lama hubungan kami semakin baik. Sebagai satu keluarga baru dan sangat aku cintai. Selamanya, aku tidak ingin kehilangan mereka lagi, Ya Allah..…”
Kenang-Kenangan..^_^
Diterbitkan oleh D'sari Magazine Februari 2010
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